I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
