i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
