bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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