So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
