I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
