we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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