I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
