totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
