u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
