Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We just shotgunned beers for America
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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