My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
