i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
please come you make the beer taste better
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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