You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
