my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
