Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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