I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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