In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
