Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
