Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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