The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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