I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
