you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
