if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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