Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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