so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
