I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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