What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
