I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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