this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
