2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
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My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I FOUND THE LEGS
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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