oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize