Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
