my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
