wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
