the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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