I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
