If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
This house was built for laser tag.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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