That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You pole danced in your parka.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
