shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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