I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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