If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
you never un-have a 4some
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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