Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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