she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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