someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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