I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She told me I should be a condom model.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You are a genius and a whore.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
