i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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