I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
