Just cropdusted the office
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
