she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
