No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
