i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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