guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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