3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
