No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
