oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police