when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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