you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
