i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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