Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
