I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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