So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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