dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
this just has baby written all over it
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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