she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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