hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
How naked do you want me to be?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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