i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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